One might assume because I spent most of it gallivanting in foreign lands and dropping a small fortune on gear and toys that I’ve been living in the pink. Well, let that be a lesson to you boys and girls: Toys are just toys, and loneliness feels just about the same no matter where you are.
To add insult to serious injury, for the last six months of 2011, with exception of a few bits of journal and one or two essays, I haven’t been able to write—not even my nonsensical blog entries. I think the answer to “why?” is pure and simple: I lost my swing. When I didn’t get into the PhD program, and I was left sort out the answer to “what now?” an asphyxiating fear crept into my life. Proverbially speaking, I’ve just been standing here in the tee box, staring stupidly at the ball, terrified to miss my next shot (I hate golf; but the analogy works). The game won’t start, because I won’t hit anything.
This has been nothing short of infuriating, because my spectators (family), my coaches (mentors), and my beloved teammates/opponents (closest friends, the ones who really push me to be better) keep looking at me expectantly. Their eyes are unwavering, and everyone seems to have same words on the tips of their tongues: “Do something, for hell’s sake!”
Rather unexpectedly, I managed, after almost six months, to get these words to form sentences. Which may leave you wondering, “What’s changed or changing?” My answer to that is simple: “How should I know?” I think I’m just tired of watching other people play. I’m under no delusion this blog entry is evidence that I’m cured. But it does prove I’m still capable and inclined to try my hand at a proverbial game of putt-putt.
In all honesty, I’m at a loss. Got no man. Got no children. Got no school. Have no purpose. The only thing I do seem to have is a wicked, smart-ass tongue and a penchant for creatively wasting time.
The sooner this year ends, the effing better.
PS
I’ve got more pictures. Apparently, misery loves a canon camera.
(Salt Lake City Public Library, AKA Becky's Secular Temple)
(Donut Falls, Big? Little? Cottonwood Canyon, UT)
(Brandi Carlile Solo Concert, Flagstaff, AZ)
(Sunset over the Salt Lake Valley, I think I was on Grandeur Peak)
(Random Winter Hike. I LOVE WINTER!)
5 comments:
Sorry about the awfully disappointing year!!! I was thinking this year was pretty awful, too. I can't wait to start a new one.
I'm sorry it's been so hard for you to write. That must be SO FRUSTRATING!
Just know we're thinking of you down south. Love you!!!
You know why I love you right? Because you use words like, "proverbially".
I'm not sure I can even say that three times fast.
Sorry your year sucked. Lonliness is quite a cruel thing.
Just know that I'm thinking of you out here in the frozen tundra of Goaheadandfreezeyourbuttoffnaddieville!
I'm sorry you've had a terrible year. I definitely understand loneliness, disappointments, and the "What now?" feeling. One of my best classes ever was my Lit & Film--the entire theme for the whole semester was "Disenchantment." I totally have that one down!!
If I can help bring some crazy-silly to your life, let me know! "Let's get together--yay, yay, yay!"
Love ya!
Becks, even Tiger Woods sucks...he finally won a tourney a few weeks ago after a dry spell of 2 years. I do not wish 2 more years of HELL on you, so put your big girl panties on and HANG IN THERE.
Love U
mummzie
Thank you for hanging in it. Come watch Porco Rosso with us and share a game of scrabble if you dare. We can still be friends after.
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